Rapunzel

I don’t even know what to write… I just… I can’t even put to words what I feel right now… About everything in my life! It’s as if I've been waiting these last 5 years for things to get better, I've been waiting for the day when I would be free, and happy and on my way to a successful life! A life dedicated to follow my dreams, my voice within… I now realize that that day isn't coming so soon and that I'm wasting the best years of my life waiting on a dream that can never be, because I can’t just leave.

I’ll have to endure it for at least 6 more years! And it’s not going to get any easier! I cry every night now! I feel like Rapunzel, locked up in a tower, in my big castle… If only I could find a way out… 

But all the doors are locked for me and I'm afraid to fight against the dragon by myself! Every time I even dare to speak of it (because I think about it a lot!), I'm defeated. There’s just no way out! How much more can I stand before I go mad? Sometimes I think I'm already getting a little depressed… I find myself wishing for it all to end, just to let go of everything and finally be free. Enough suffering… I want to go home! And these thoughts scare me… This is not me!

Here, I'm not me. I miss Me. I want to be Me again, I want to go back to My life!

But I can’t! I just can’t!!! When will this end, God? When?!

I guess this is what happens when you give up on your dreams because of other people… In my case those people are the family closest to me… Is this my punishment? No… Not punishment, just the consequences of giving up on My dreams because of the dreams of Others and what They want, because they’re family and theoretically they do know better…

I hate myself for not having the courage to go forward and fight them all!!! It is my life! My happiness! I am not happy… I used to be… 5 years ago, I used to be… That’s just the way life is… One day you have everything and in the next, it all comes tumbling down until it can’t get any worse…

There’s only one person that could make it all right again. But that’s the same person that keeps pushing me off a cliff. 

He doesn't even notice it… I can’t even talk to him about how I feel! He doesn't listen to me! It’s as if he lives in the XIX century! He can’t even bare to see me cry! He locks up he’s feeling with the best armoury there is and expects me to do the same. 

Unfortunately to him, and maybe to me, my eyes deceive me all the time… I just cry like a baby! And he hasn't seen it all… Thank God! Because he would definitely say something stupid, hurtful… Just so STUPID (!), and I would cry even more.

One single word from that man can make my life miserable. He never says nice things so I don’t know if he has the power to make everything alright with just one word as well… Even the Grinch grew a heart and started treating everyone nicely! Why can’t he? He already has a heart (behind all that armour…)! What the hell is wrong with HIM?! He’s so primitive, sexist, always making up rules and principles to his own benefit… He never shows any affection, not to me anyway… Well, he likes to call me names as fatty or dumb which is his way of showing affection towards me… 

How can anyone love a man like that! Why do I keep letting him hurt me like that? Why do I even care about him and his feelings? Why?! He provides me food and shelter and for that I should be thankful… And I travel with them on holidays to lots of places… But that just isn't enough for me!

There’s more to life than material things! I'm exhausted!! I don’t want this life anymore! I keep waiting on the years to pass, hoping for better times, but they never come! There’s always something wrong to his eyes, he criticizes everything I do! I can’t live like that! I'm so tired of it all… He has absolutely no reason to act like that. No reason at all. Everyone who knows me, knows this. I'm the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect teenager. Nothing to complain…

God, please… Just take me out of here! You gave me this second life… Now it’s time to give a third one similar to first one I had 5 years ago. One where I can be happy more than just a few moments at a time! I'm tired of being strong and pretending that everything is fine, great even! It’s as if “I'm fine” is the only right answer to “How are you?”. I hate that question so much! If you say any other thing people will make you a thousand more questions!

I want freedom! Teenagers are all outside having fun, enjoying their early years and all that… While I stay home… Waiting for time to pass, wishing that it were faster and sometimes that it would freeze forever in one moment or another. But mostly I'm just waiting… Because I can’t really do anything more! I'm wasting the best years of my life as I wait. It’s as if I'm not allowed to have fun! Of course no one said that to me, but whenever I'm having fun they always say something that just ruins everything!

I'm so sad… Deeply, deeply sad! And I have no one to call… Maybe I do, but I don’t want to bother anyone... They might say that it’s ok, that I should always call, but deep down I know I'm bothering them… They have their lives, their problems… And I don’t want to make a big deal out of this.

Here I go again… Being strong for others… I can’t help it.

I guess I better go to sleep now and keep hoping for better times… It’s all I got left: 

Hope. 

Home

Last night I couldn't sleep...

I felt too much pain...

I needed to get away from everything.

I grabbed my pillow and a blanket, went upstairs and opened the door to the balcony outside.

When I looked at the sky, I was surprised to see so many stars! One star spooked me at first because of it's size! It was huge! (Maybe it was Mars...) The moon was lower in the sky, orange and crescent, hidden behind a tree.

I wrapped myself with the blanket and lied down on the floor, just looking at the stars.

The more I looked the more I saw.

There, among the stars, planets, the moon, falling stars and even airplanes and satellites every once in a while, I felt safe and at peace.

I was home...

And being so, I finally slept...

Just when I thought the world was getting better...

I'm shocked that there are still so many people so unaware of the Earth's problems... They are our problems too! 

NASA created a new rocket propellant that doesn't harm the environment and the tests are being successful. The comments on this news where shocking to me. I know that in terms of statistics we (all 7 billion of us) probably release more CO2 annually just by breathing than a single rocket propellant and maybe it is just advertisement for NASA... But it is a good thing! It's fantastic! A rocket wastes a giant amount of fuel (and we used almost every drop) and one single rocket releases a lot more CO2 than one single human! Maybe in the future that ALICE technology (comprised of aluminium powder and water ice) can be adapted to cars and other vehicles! Plus, we can go farther in space since water ice and aluminium can be found in other planets, satellites or asteroids...

"Now the war needs to be an ECOkiller" someone said... Funny... Except...

There aren't suppose to be ANY wars! The environment IS important! 

In what kind of world do we live in?! Without nature's perfect balance, Life as we know it ceases to exist. WE cease to exist! The planet Earth will go on, oh that's not the problem... We're the ones at stake here. Is this really so hard to understand? 

Live to Love

We can't or shouldn't always be remembering the bad times and "hoping for the best but expecting the worst".

Life is meant to be Loved! Happy! Believe in the Good!

How is the world suppose to change for the best if we keep expecting the worst about everyone and everything? Optimism is a quality all dreamers share. Without optimism we can't overcome the obstacles that come in our life.

Be positive, believe, dream, lead, overcome, Love!

And in the end you will have Lived!

"Don't worry, Be Happy!"

Love to Live

Sometimes life just sucks...

But I have to be honest...

I Love to Live!

This life only happens once. Even if it sucks you're never going to experience the same thing again ever. So I try to take as much as I can. Even when it sucks. That's when you learn things you'll never forget for the rest of your life.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 

When you wake up and you feel like your life sucks and you start thinking about the things you have to deal with on your every-shitty-day... Stop and think about this:

With every-shitty-day that passes, you get stronger. The more shitty-days you have to endure, the stronger you'll get. The day will come when you'll use that strength to kick that shit out of your life and finally start waking up to an always beautiful day.

It's all in your hands, it's just a matter of time for you to realize that.

Hang in there... Better times will come... They always do... Eventually... I believe in that.

What else is left? Surrender to an unhappy unfulfilled life? I can't do that! It just isn't in me...

I believe in better days!

I feel like SCREAMING!!!!!

When something is wrong, you should say so.

Scream if necessary!

Don't hold it inside. It can be so tiring.... I know... I'm always holding it up! The anger in me just grows and grows and I end up in my room screaming at a pillow instead of someone's face! It's relieving but it's not the same as telling it to the right person. It's always there, hidden.... And it causes you to loose your temper over something insignificant as it just keeps adding up.

Truth is, I'm a bit of a coward. I could never yell at someone... I had to be REALLY pissed off... It's just not in me... People always say to "control your temper", "have more patience" but I think that sometimes we should just stop listening to those people and SCREAM insanely!!! Let it all out! So the good things can get in.

So when someone tells you your not good enough, that you can't make it, that your dreams can never be, just tell them to f*** off! You can do it! You are good enough and even more so! You've got all it takes to achieve your dreams!

It's a long walk with lots of obstacles you'll need to face. Sometimes you'll have to take a detour or two or more... There will be times when you might want to give up and run with your tail between your legs, certainly. But think about the "I told you so" you'll have to hear from everybody if you give up! If you keep believing you're gonna get there, you're gonna get there! No doubt about that!

So please keep believing in yourself! All you need is already in you! Believe and you'll reach heaven. The one that lives in you. Because that heaven can only exist as long as you believe and dream (and of course do something about it). Otherwise all you get is a living hell... Or death although you're still living (it's what I call the zombie mode)...

Keep on dreaming and believing, yes?

Kisses!

Precious alone time

There I was... In the bath tub in the middle of the night because it felt like the only place in the hotel room where I could be left alone... The only place in the whole hotel actually... So there I was...

Crying until it hurt...
Filled with negative thoughts, negative energy...

I think that's why I'm sick right now... Deep down I know I needed that... Now I got a lot of time just for myself... Just me and my PC! Even if it's just for a few hours...

Everything happens for a reason, right?

Perfect

"Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect"

Simple Plan - Perfect

Pedra Filosofal

"Eles não sabem que o sonho

é uma constante da vida

tão concreta e definida

como outra coisa qualquer

como esta pedra cinzenta

em que me sento e descanso

como este ribeiro manso

em serenos sobressaltos

como estes pinheiros altos

que em verde e oiro se agitam

como estas árvores que gritam

em bebedeiras de azul

eles não sabem que sonho

é vinho, é espuma, é fermento

bichinho alacre e sedento

de focinho pontiagudo

que fuça através de tudo

em perpétuo movimento

Eles não sabem que o sonho

é tela é cor é pincel

base, fuste, capitel

que é retorta de alquimista

mapa do mundo distante

Rosa dos Ventos Infante

caravela quinhentista

que é cabo da Boa-Esperança

Ouro, canela, marfim

florete de espadachim

bastidor, passo de dança

Columbina e Arlequim

passarola voadora

pára-raios, locomotiva

barco de proa festiva

alto-forno, geradora

cisão do átomo, radar

ultra-som, televisão

desembarque em foguetão

na superfície lunar

Eles não sabem nem sonham

que o sonho comanda a vida

que sempre que o homem sonha

o mundo pula e avança

como bola colorida

entre as mãos duma criança!"

Manuel Freire

Dreams are meant to be lived!

What happens when all your dreams are killed or deferred indefinitely by the circumstances of life?

How would you feel if everything you fought for, if what you believed was your reason to live, your mission in this world, was taken away?

I feel I betrayed myself for letting go of my dreams... Like I failed whatever purpose I had in this life and nothing, NOTHING, can fill the emptiness that remais when dreams are gone. It's cruel to think that dreams are only meant to dream not live... But that seems to be what everyone thinks! I keep telling myself that it's for the best, that I'll have a better quality of life this way... But that's just bullshit! I'm miserable! When I'm not crying for what could have been and now can never be, I tune into my "zombie mode"... This is not what I want for myself! I should have been stronger and fought! because life quality is not about money, but of happiness! And I am not happy!

I fought for my dreams, I did... But when doubt started contaminating my mind... There were so many things that could go wrong in the future... Things were already pretty messy... It was just so hard because I knew I was hurting and disappointing people I love because of my insane idea of pursuing my dreams... I just "put my guns on the ground" and surrendered. Decided to go with the flow...

Worst mistake ever. Now I'm the one hurt and disappointed!

Well... I guess now time's my best friend... I need time to gather up my strength, clear all doubt and then fight for my dreams 'till the end, no matter how hard it gets, it's always better than this!

Meanwhile...do me a favour... DREAM!

Love you all!