Rapunzel

I don’t even know what to write… I just… I can’t even put to words what I feel right now… About everything in my life! It’s as if I've been waiting these last 5 years for things to get better, I've been waiting for the day when I would be free, and happy and on my way to a successful life! A life dedicated to follow my dreams, my voice within… I now realize that that day isn't coming so soon and that I'm wasting the best years of my life waiting on a dream that can never be, because I can’t just leave.

I’ll have to endure it for at least 6 more years! And it’s not going to get any easier! I cry every night now! I feel like Rapunzel, locked up in a tower, in my big castle… If only I could find a way out… 

But all the doors are locked for me and I'm afraid to fight against the dragon by myself! Every time I even dare to speak of it (because I think about it a lot!), I'm defeated. There’s just no way out! How much more can I stand before I go mad? Sometimes I think I'm already getting a little depressed… I find myself wishing for it all to end, just to let go of everything and finally be free. Enough suffering… I want to go home! And these thoughts scare me… This is not me!

Here, I'm not me. I miss Me. I want to be Me again, I want to go back to My life!

But I can’t! I just can’t!!! When will this end, God? When?!

I guess this is what happens when you give up on your dreams because of other people… In my case those people are the family closest to me… Is this my punishment? No… Not punishment, just the consequences of giving up on My dreams because of the dreams of Others and what They want, because they’re family and theoretically they do know better…

I hate myself for not having the courage to go forward and fight them all!!! It is my life! My happiness! I am not happy… I used to be… 5 years ago, I used to be… That’s just the way life is… One day you have everything and in the next, it all comes tumbling down until it can’t get any worse…

There’s only one person that could make it all right again. But that’s the same person that keeps pushing me off a cliff. 

He doesn't even notice it… I can’t even talk to him about how I feel! He doesn't listen to me! It’s as if he lives in the XIX century! He can’t even bare to see me cry! He locks up he’s feeling with the best armoury there is and expects me to do the same. 

Unfortunately to him, and maybe to me, my eyes deceive me all the time… I just cry like a baby! And he hasn't seen it all… Thank God! Because he would definitely say something stupid, hurtful… Just so STUPID (!), and I would cry even more.

One single word from that man can make my life miserable. He never says nice things so I don’t know if he has the power to make everything alright with just one word as well… Even the Grinch grew a heart and started treating everyone nicely! Why can’t he? He already has a heart (behind all that armour…)! What the hell is wrong with HIM?! He’s so primitive, sexist, always making up rules and principles to his own benefit… He never shows any affection, not to me anyway… Well, he likes to call me names as fatty or dumb which is his way of showing affection towards me… 

How can anyone love a man like that! Why do I keep letting him hurt me like that? Why do I even care about him and his feelings? Why?! He provides me food and shelter and for that I should be thankful… And I travel with them on holidays to lots of places… But that just isn't enough for me!

There’s more to life than material things! I'm exhausted!! I don’t want this life anymore! I keep waiting on the years to pass, hoping for better times, but they never come! There’s always something wrong to his eyes, he criticizes everything I do! I can’t live like that! I'm so tired of it all… He has absolutely no reason to act like that. No reason at all. Everyone who knows me, knows this. I'm the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect teenager. Nothing to complain…

God, please… Just take me out of here! You gave me this second life… Now it’s time to give a third one similar to first one I had 5 years ago. One where I can be happy more than just a few moments at a time! I'm tired of being strong and pretending that everything is fine, great even! It’s as if “I'm fine” is the only right answer to “How are you?”. I hate that question so much! If you say any other thing people will make you a thousand more questions!

I want freedom! Teenagers are all outside having fun, enjoying their early years and all that… While I stay home… Waiting for time to pass, wishing that it were faster and sometimes that it would freeze forever in one moment or another. But mostly I'm just waiting… Because I can’t really do anything more! I'm wasting the best years of my life as I wait. It’s as if I'm not allowed to have fun! Of course no one said that to me, but whenever I'm having fun they always say something that just ruins everything!

I'm so sad… Deeply, deeply sad! And I have no one to call… Maybe I do, but I don’t want to bother anyone... They might say that it’s ok, that I should always call, but deep down I know I'm bothering them… They have their lives, their problems… And I don’t want to make a big deal out of this.

Here I go again… Being strong for others… I can’t help it.

I guess I better go to sleep now and keep hoping for better times… It’s all I got left: 

Hope.