Hello America. You don't know me. No one knows me here. I came over from Portugal, where people know of me. I'm the girl who survived the tsunami. "The Tsunami Girl". I give talks and I appear on TV whenever they call me, wanting someone inspiring to interview. I became a life coach just before the move to America. I thought I could continue my work as an inspirational speaker and begin my career as a Life coach. Instead, I became a housewife and a mother.
No one knows me here. No one wants to hear my story. No one wants to be my friend. Let's be honest, you have enough friends. Now I'm a mom. Which means I hardly leave the house. How can one make meaningful connections if they don't get out? Mom groups, right? Except they don't happen outside Facebook, where I live. Motherhood is lonely and it's a full-time job. I love being a mother, but I miss having a life of my own. I miss giving my talks, I miss coaching. I miss doing something meaningful with my life. And I've tried. I keep trying. But with every failure, it gets harder. I miss my friends. After becoming a mother, living in a faraway country, I have very little in common with most of my previous friends. As they start to have children of their own, I believe I might feel closer to them once more. For two of them it has been so. Not that we have much time between us to chat. But we keep sure we're okay and surviving this adventure of a lifetime.
I've started a part-time job where I can take my son with me, at a preschool. Being able to take him with me is the only reason I accepted the offer. Every time he gets sick, tough, I wonder if I made the right choice. I wanted him to have children to socialize with. And I hoped I would too. You'd think I'd make mom friends, but the truth is we don't exchange more than "hellos". The kids are amazing and the closest thing I have to friends. I like talking with them, but I'm supposed to be their teacher. I'm the authority figure. Not a friend. There are rules I need to make them follow, so they're ready for school. That means I'm saying "no" a lot, to things that I wouldn't normally say "no" to. There are "rules" I have to follow too. I'm supposed to do things a certain way. A few weeks back, a kid kept asking if he was gonna be in my class. When asked what he did in my class, his answer was "we play". Which was the completely wrong thing to say to my superior! They do the work I'm told they have to do, in the time frame they're supposed to do them. And then it's outside play time, which works as a reward for them. They know that once everyone in class finishes their work, they can go outside and play. I'm thinking that's what the kid meant by " we play". And if the "working" part of their day doesn't feel like "work", then I think I'm doing a good job! Anyway, that got me a "side look" from my superior and gave the impression that I'm not "strict enough" and just let them run wild, or something. It was bad. It made me feel like I can't do anything right. Can anyone?
I tried joining a church, but it feels like I'm the new girl at high school. It's been a couple of years and I'm still the newbie. After becoming a mom, it's harder for me to even show up. So that only pushed me further away from the "clan". I'm failing to meet their expectations. To be honest, they're failing to meet mine.
I joined the local roller derby team. It is awesome. I love every practice. For the workout, the skill-learning and for being around women. It was the perfect setting for making new friends. Even though I could only go once a week. But then, less and less people started showing up and the practices were closed until next year. I might not even be here next year... Which might be the fresh start I need.
I've tried starting events of my own too. I organized a workshop. I had 4 people sign up. I was thrilled! I thought maybe 3 would sign up, so it was one more than expected. I prepared for a whole month (with a baby, I needed to make sure I had enough time). Stayed up late the night before. Had to improvise because the building I was holding the workshop at, had no electricity. I was feeling sick... But through all the obstacles, I made it. I was ready to go. And, if you haven't guessed it, no one showed up. Zero. All my hard work and struggle, for nothing. I thought about doing it anyway for my camera and post it online. But I was heart-broken and just cleaned everything and went home. Another failure to add to the list.
Even at being a mom I sometimes feel like a failure. I'm not and I know it's normal to feel this way. I feel guilty when I'm on my phone too much and when I'm too tired to play with my son as much as he wants and needs me to. Which is always and every day.
Then, I look in the mirror and I see the changes in my body. I should really do something about it. But I'm just so tired all the time... And when I do have time, all I want to do is escape reality. Play on my phone. Watch TV. Sleep.
Today I'm writing, instead. Here, on this blog that I haven't touched in a long time. I read some of my older posts and couldn't believe it was me. I wrote that. Me. But it wasn't just me. I was inspired. And today I felt inspired again to write. Writing makes me feel closer to God. It brings me peace. It makes me feel connected with Him. I've lost touch. In trying to pursue my dreams, and live up to other people's expectations, I lost the most important part of myself. Everything I've tried these past couple of years has not worked. So today I was inspired to return. To go back to basics. To writing. To pouring my heart out to the world. If someone sees this, good. If not, that's also okay. Whatever. To writing just for the sake of writing.
It's how it all started. That, which I seek again. It's how it started. I wrote on a blog. Someone, a journalist, saw it. She wrote to me, asking me to give an interview. And everything just exploded from there. Suddenly I was getting called everywhere. Everyone wanted to hear my story. They felt inspired. They needed to hear my truth. Of how a little girl survived the tsunami in Thailand, lost her parents, and through it all, found happiness. I was helping people just by speaking my truth. And I was helping myself too. The more I told my story, the stronger I became. Every time I spoke, I was reminding myself of those many life lessons learned. I was reminding myself of how great life can be. I was reminding myself of my life purpose. I was walking it! And I was walking it beside God. Before every talk, before every interview, I'd pray. So that He would help me help, so that he would guide my words. Those talks made me feel closer to Him too. I used to be an extremely shy girl. Now I was giving talks, showing up on TV, and talking so well... People closest to me were surprised. They don't know it's not just me up there. It's never been just me. Only God could bring a shy girl to speak. I remember my first talk. I was so nervous, I hardly slept the night before. I couldn't eat. But I got up there, and although my voice was shaking, I spoke. Next thing I know, I'm done and the crowd is on their feet, clapping, crying, smiling. The shy girl now had a voice. Her words had the power to change the world.
Ever since I came to America in 2017, I've only told my story in private, on 5 different occasions. Only 2 of those mattered. They wanted to know, they asked and asked again when I told them it was kind of a long story. They made the time to hear me. It impacted them. I could see it in their eyes as I was telling my story. The other 3, they were planned, I hoped once they heard my story, it would lead to bigger things. To actual talks. But they did not. That was my mistake. Thinking, hoping, they would open the doors I so wanted them to open for me. I should know better than to expect anything. I thought God was pulling me towards them, that He wanted me to tell them. Maybe I was wrong. Or maybe He did, but they were not ready to Hear me. Hear us.
A few days ago I got another invitation to a TV show in Portugal. Just another reminder that there is still need in the world for that girl on Portuguese TV. Real need for me. Yet, here I'm no one. No one knows me. And it awfully looks a lot like no one wants to know me. America doesn't care. I'm Portuguese. I don't fit in any of the groups here. I'm not American, I'm not Mexican, I'm not Cuban, I'm not Irish, I'm not Muslim, I'm not Indian, I'm not Jewish, I'm not Italian... I'm nothing. No one's ever heard of me, I'm not big on social media, so I must not be worth their time.
I wish America would give this "no one" a chance to speak. Hear my voice. Listen to my story. Open your hearts. I'm here. I'm a truly great inspirational speaker and life coach. Not that you could tell it by looking at me right now. I've been too busy playing out the different roles in my life. Mother, Wife, home-maker, now part-time teacher... I often find no time for coaching or for myself. I even closed my life coaching home office thing I had going on. I have zero clients. What's the point in keeping it open? And if I can't find time to work on myself, how am I supposed to shine my light on others? That's the challenge, isn't it? Finding time for myself, despite it all.
Well, I made time to write this. It's time I go back to stage 1. Back to the essentials. Back to writing. I do have a book proposal I need to finish, after all. God only knows if it'll get anywhere. I pray tomorrow I'll be able to make time for my writing again. Or some other form of Connection. Hopefully my next post will be something more positive than this. I'm aware of how un-inspirational this all sounds. I find it's important to speak of the bad moments in our lives too. Success comes from moments in life like these. From failure, after failure, after failure... The people you admire most, they've had bad moments too. If they spoke more often of their beginnings, then maybe other people wouldn't feel so much like failures. Instead they would know, they're on the right track.
I know I'm a failure.
I'm on the right track.
